How To Be A Conscious Parent
A conscious parent is someone who actively and intentionally engages in the process of parenting with awareness, mindfulness, and empathy. This approach involves being present in the moment with their child, recognizing and understanding their own emotions and reactions, and fostering a deep connection with their child based on mutual respect and understanding. Conscious parents strive to cultivate a supportive and nurturing environment that promotes the emotional, intellectual, and social development of their children. They prioritize open communication, encourage autonomy and independence, and seek to model positive behaviors and values. Ultimately, conscious parenting involves a continuous journey of self-awareness, growth, and learning, with the aim of raising emotionally healthy, confident, and compassionate individuals.
I like to break this up into 5 parts:
- 0 to 5 years old, the nurturing phase.
- 5 to 10 years old, the play phase.
- 10 to 15 years old, the transformation phase.
- 15 to 20 years old, finishing the transformation.
- 20 to ……. years old, the new beginning.
The Nurturing Phase: 0 to 5
This period could be challenging for many parents because their roles differ significantly. Typically, the mother spends around 80% of her time, if not more, with the baby. She had nine months to bond with the baby during pregnancy, and now she’s nurturing that bond every minute of every day. On the other hand, fathers often feel a disconnect. While we try our best to connect, it’s inherently different. The transition to fatherhood often starts with a honeymoon phase, but that fades quickly when we realize that changing diapers is our primary task, not playing sports.
Mothers are honing their instincts, improving every day. They’re attuned to every sound, movement, and cry of the baby. In contrast, fathers might struggle to notice when the baby is crying.
This dynamic could lead to feelings of separation and resentment between parents. Mothers may not understand why fathers aren’t spending more time with the baby, while fathers might desire more connection with the mother. Both may feel isolated and misunderstood.
This phase represents a significant shift in men’s roles and responsibilities. Just a few generations ago, fathers primarily worked while mothers managed the household. Now, both parents share caregiving duties. However, unlike women’s transition into the workforce, there’s limited guidance and preparation for men stepping into their roles as fathers.
As time passes, the baby begins to interact, smile, giggle, and utter its first words. Soon, they’re crawling, walking, and eventually running around the house. This is when fathers have the opportunity to hone their parenting skills and deepen their connection with the child, especially during playtime.
The Play Phase: 5 to 10
Men often exhibit childlike tendencies. Farts still manage to elicit laughter, and the allure “boobies” remain captivating. Immaturity, though not typically admired, finds acceptance in the humor of a five-year-old.
At this tender age, children yearn to explore the world’s wonders, allowing their imaginations to soar freely. Fathers possess a unique ability to tap into this youthful spirit and connect with their children. They kneel down, tumble about, and construct forts. In the park, they gleefully join their offspring on jungle gyms, swings, and even hang upside down from monkey bars. These moments not only strengthen the bond between father and child but also showcase each parent’s individual strengths, fostering unity.
Regrettably, this ideal scenario often remains unrealized. While fathers engage in playtime, mothers are left burdened with household chores. After five years of tending to bottles and diapers, feelings of resentment and loneliness can fester.
In today’s world of social media and video games, children forge connections in novel ways, often to their detriment. Instead of experiencing the physical embrace of their father during roughhousing sessions, they find themselves secluded in separate rooms, lost in the illusion of social interaction through headsets.
This issue warrants further discussion, but for now, let’s conclude with this: Both mothers and fathers play distinct roles, and it’s imperative they comprehend and embrace these roles. With an increasing number of mothers assuming dual parental responsibilities, the misconception that fathers lack purpose persists. In media portrayals, fathers are often depicted as inept buffoons, while mothers are depicted as responsible and hardworking. It’s essential for parents to find common ground and abandon ad-hoc parenting approaches. Establishing structure and setting goals will provide clarity and predictability for all involved. If your partner possesses a knack for humor, embrace it now. Your child will undoubtedly benefit from the joy it brings.
The Transformation Phase: 10 to 15
Everything you’ve done up to this point has laid the foundation for this transformation. Your child is transitioning away from their whimsical imagination and beginning to perceive the world more critically. They’re starting to grasp concepts with greater depth, which can be both frustrating and overwhelming for them. For you, it may feel heartbreaking. You used to be their superhero, but now it seems you’re cast as the villain. You might not understand what you’ve done differently. Why is your once close companion now giving you the cold shoulder? It’s all part of the process. They’re striving for independence, and that means gradually distancing themselves from you. But don’t worry, they’ll come back around. In the meantime, give them the chance to prove themselves. With freedom comes responsibility. Now is the opportune moment to instill self-discipline and a strong work ethic.
As they express a desire to spend time with friends and attend parties without parental supervision, remember that this freedom is earned, not freely given. I often remind my children that independence isn’t tied to a specific age; it’s a product of maturity and trust. I have twin girls who are 14 years old, and although they share the same age, they’re distinctly carving out their paths toward independence.
We’ve established specific chores for them to complete on designated days of the week. Like in any household, we have rules that must be adhered to. Their behavior toward their siblings and parents plays a crucial role in determining the level of freedom they’re granted. After all, if they can’t maintain the cleanliness of their own rooms, how can they be entrusted with the responsibility of navigating the outside world independently? This is the time to impart lessons on responsibility and decision-making.
Finishing The Transformation: 15 to 20
Let’s be honest: the process of transformation is ongoing. It’s not as simple as morphing into a beautiful butterfly and soaring into the sky. At this stage, your children have heard your lectures enough times to know what to expect. They grasp your boundaries and expectations, assimilating the knowledge you’ve imparted over the years as they carve out their own identities.
As they begin to drive and contemplate their futures, including the prospect of leaving the nest to forge their paths, they’re also pondering their careers and long-term aspirations. This isn’t the time to loosen your grip; despite their reluctance to admit it, they need your guidance now more than ever.
So how do you provide guidance without suffocating them? Furthermore, how do you navigate your own life while witnessing their transformation? As your children embark on their journey of self-discovery, you find yourself reassessing your own decisions and wondering if you’ve made the right choices. This can be a challenging period, especially if you have multiple children at this age. Honesty remains the best policy.
If I could offer one piece of advice to any new parent, it would be this: Eat Together as a Family. Set aside one meal a day to sit down together. It provides invaluable time to reconnect after each day’s events. Be transparent with your children; create a space where any topic can be discussed openly and without judgment. Establish this practice early on so that, by the age of 15, it becomes a cornerstone of family interaction. Your children will find solace in knowing that you, too, face challenges, and they’ll feel secure knowing there’s always an open avenue for discussion. The presence of siblings further strengthens familial bonds; they may be grappling with similar issues or harboring thoughts they struggle to articulate.
This shared mealtime offers an opportunity to inquire about their aspirations for the future. It’s a moment to offer guidance and illustrate the brightness of their prospects. They’ll transition from merely dreaming to setting tangible goals, and it’s your responsibility to show them how to turn those dreams into reality.
The New Beginning: 20 to .....
My children are aged 9, 14, 14, and 16. While I haven’t reached this stage yet, I find myself contemplating it often. Reflecting on my relationship with my own parents, I ponder what I would do differently and what I would keep the same. We’re in the midst of transitioning from parent-child dynamics to something akin to friendship.
I once shared with my children, ‘You have two options: either resent me from age 0 to 20 and love me for the rest of your life, or hate me from 0 to 20 and cherish me thereafter.’ If we indulge their every whim during childhood, they won’t be equipped to handle life’s challenges and may harbor resentment. However, if we maintain a balance of firmness and fairness, they may express frustration when they don’t get their way, but as adults, they’ll come to appreciate and respect those decisions.
This phase of transition often brings to mind the concept of retirement. We’re aware it’s approaching, and we’ve toiled diligently to reach that stage, yet we’re uncertain about what lies ahead. There are few examples of people navigating this transition flawlessly. Most children eventually move out, start their own lives, and if we’re fortunate, they visit for holidays or remember our birthdays. It’s uncommon for adult children to forge friendships with their parents.
While I don’t necessarily anticipate this outcome, nor do I require it realistically, my primary objective is to equip my children with the skills and resilience necessary to navigate the world. If they evolve into content, well-adjusted adults, I’ll consider my role fulfilled.
Of course, I cherish the dream of growing old alongside my children, witnessing the growth of my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. But let’s not rush ahead. I still have a few years before any of that unfolds, and I’m content with the way things are for now.
My Final Thoughts
As parents, we embark on a journey of constant evolution alongside our children, navigating through various phases of growth and transformation. From the nurturing phase of infancy to the exploration of childhood, the transition into adolescence, and eventually, the onset of adulthood, each stage presents unique challenges and opportunities for both parents and children.
Throughout these phases, we strive to strike a delicate balance between guidance and independence, fostering a nurturing environment that encourages personal growth and development. We reflect on our own experiences, contemplating what we would do differently and what we would keep the same, as we navigate the complexities of parenthood.
As we journey through the different stages of parenting, from the tender moments of infancy to the challenges of adolescence and beyond, our ultimate goal remains constant: to equip our children with the tools and resilience necessary to navigate the world with confidence and compassion.
Though the road ahead may be uncertain, we find solace in the shared moments of laughter, love, and learning that define our familial bonds. As we embrace the joys and challenges of parenting, we cherish the dream of growing old alongside our children, witnessing the beauty of their individual journeys unfold, and finding fulfillment in the knowledge that we have played a meaningful role in shaping their lives.
In the end, it’s not about reaching a destination, but rather, savoring the journey and embracing the new beginnings that each phase brings. As we continue to evolve alongside our children, may we find strength in our shared experiences and the enduring bonds of love that unite us as a family.
